This week…

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This past week has been nothing short of s*** and a blur. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. And I feel out of sorts. For those wondering, please read back to my previous post Not the news I wanted… and that pretty much explains it.

I have been trying to push my feelings to the way side as I can see my partner is hurting. I also push them to the side as we have a daughter who needs her parents and housework that needs to be done.

This past Friday, I needed some time. I needed some me time.
So, as my partner had gone into his recluse stage and I wanted to get out, I asked my family to look after my daughter for a little while so I could be me.
I needed it. I sat around in this chair for an hour or two and I wrote. I wrote whatever came to mind. I wrote down what I needed to get off my chest.
I watched platypus swimming. I watched the ducks swim around. I listened to the wind in the trees. I soaked up the sun. I took some ‘me’ time and tried to wrap my head around life and why things happen the way that they do.
In a certain way I prayed. I prayed for life to show me what needs to be done. I prayed for an answer as to why things that have happened, have happened.

I know I can’t take back what has happened and I do wish things were different. I wish that I knew why these things have happened but I don’t think that I will ever find that out.
But I can try.

And by taking some me time, I realized that while I don’t know why things have happened, I can change certain things to make them more beneficial in the long run. I know things take time so when I get the all clear, I will start with little steps and try and rebuild.

Will things go back to the way that they were? Probably not……but I can take steps to try and make sure that they don’t happen again.

Not the news I wanted…

Well, unfortunately Monday was a bad day.

In fact it was a really bad day.

As I mentioned in my post Nervous wait… I had an ultrasound booked as I had been bleeding for a week with no real reason.

Well, that reason was made apparent at the ultrasound.

I have lost our baby again….

This, for those who don’t know, is my partner and I’s second miscarriage within the space of seven months, so it makes me upset even more that this has happened.

Only good news to come from this is it looks like I will do it at home this time instead of having to go to the hospital.

That’s the only good news.

Work has been great about it. We went in and saw them yesterday and they were very understanding. It just does make it hard because everyone knew how excited we were.
I had been struggling though with fatigue and how much I could do but I was willing to give it my all and I feel like I did.

I’m not overly sure of how I’m feeling. I suppose at the moment I am in shock that it has happened again. I have seen the doctor and she advised us to wait until a few months down the line before we even think about trying again.
I did ask for ‘the pill’ as a precaution because as much as I want another child, I think it’s in my best interest to get myself as stable as possible before I even think about bringing in someone else to this world.
I want to get a new car, I want to be financially stable, I want to be in the best shape possible before I even think about this new life and I think my partner and I really need to be on the same page about family before we do it.

I do wonder about why my body has done this and I do wonder about maybe getting some outside information about why my body can’t seem to conceive when we know that I can….The doctor did say if it happened again that they would do testing but I’m hoping that there won’t be a next time.
Hopefully next time we conceive, we carry baby full term.

But I miss this whole being pregnant thing. I should be pregnant right now and my body’s just making it hard.

I don’t know what to do….

RIP My little buddy xoxox

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Nervous wait…

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Right now, I am a nervous wreck!

I have an ultrasound at 3:50pm today as I have had some bleeding going on for the last week and it’s to check that I have either been miscarrying or something has hit stuff that it wasn’t supposed to.. (read back the posts Hospital visits are not fun to Is it really all that common? to see what I am going on about…) but I am scared as anything.

I am trying to stay positive.

My mum is coming with me for support as my partner is at work and I know he is scared as well. This is the longest wait.

I know what it’s like to miscarry and so this is doing my head in.

Today I feel better which is making me more worried.

I’ll let you guys know how it all goes.

Wish me luck xoxox

Is it really all that common?

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*Disclaimer: This post contains quite graphic scenarios. If squirmish, stop reading now!*

On Monday 24th September, I posted about the fact that I had been spotting/bleeding after my Ultrasound the week before. Well, this week it has gotten worse.

It has gone from spotting then a small bleed to now being like a period and now, to top it all off, I now have clotting going on as well. Today has been the heaviest bleeding I’ve had. But also, very little pain. But quite some clotting.

I went to the doctors yesterday, as I started clotting yesterday, and she basically said that there was nothing she could do and that I really need to wait till Monday till my ultrasound to see what is going on.
She did do a urine pregnancy test there and then and even before it had reached the end, it was coming up a clear positive so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. She seemed OK with that which I suppose is helpful.

I just wish this would stop.

It’s worrying me and even though I’m supposed to be ‘taking it easy’ (medical professionals have been telling me all week to do it) I still have my daughter (2.5 years old) running around and needing looking after and I also have housework that needs my attention.

Has anyone else had this?
I’ve been told it’s quite common so I’m hoping for the best but it’s scaring me quite frankly.

Let me know if this has happened to you and your outcomes. I really want to know how common this is….

Hospital visits are not fun

And I’ve had two over the weekend.

As my last post says, my partner and I are having baby #2, due May next year. I am so excited.
After my miscarriage earlier this year, this has come both as a huge shock and also a quite pleasant surprise.
In saying that though, I have been a bit panicky.

*This may get a bit “Too Much Information” so if you don’t like it, I’m very sorry…*

It all started on Friday. I had been out during the day (I cant remember what doing…) and come home. I went to the bathroom and noticed there was brown on the paper. I went to ring the doctor and they were shut (they had closed at 5 and it was 5:05……) so I googled it, (don’t judge, I didn’t know what to do.). As I read, it became apparent that it was OK and not to stress. So I tried not to.
7pm rocked around and I was about to give my daughter a bath and I went again and this time it was bright red. I googled again and it said basically to go to hospital. I rang my partner at work and asked him to come home. Which he did. I also rang my mum to come and take me to hospital, (my partner can’t drive and my daughter needed someone home with her.)

So we got there and waited. And waited. Then I got called in and they had to take some blood.
This I got a little annoyed at but went OK because I had had a blood test the day before and been stabbed 4 times before they got any blood out. So I let them do that and then waited some more.

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What I had in my hand after they took my blood….. 😦

So when the doctor finally got to me, he said I was totally fine. No miscarriage as far as he could tell. So I was sent home.

The next day, bout 7pm, it happened again.

I rang the hospital and the put me through to doctors after hours who told me to go back to emergency. So I rang my mum again and asked her to drive me through to the other hospital 40 minutes away.
And again we waited. And waited. And waited.
We were there for nearly 5 hours (they were busy…) and in the end I was given a needle and told I could go home. Seriously!

So the last two days, I have been trying my best to relax and take it easy. Which isn’t easy being I have a 2.5 year old who is going through the terrible twos. But, as of right now, she’s napping so I’m taking the time to relax before work.
I’m back at my doctors tomorrow so I will let her know as well what’s been going on and we shall see what happens.
I’m just trying to relax…. that’s all I want to do……

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An information paper I found while waiting at #2 hospital. Quite a handy read at the time.

Articles I’ve read…

I was reading an article yesterday about a lady who felt bad because she had an epidural when she gave birth.

She wanted as close to a natural birth as possible and so when complications came her way, she was advised to have an epidural.

Now she feels guilty about it.

Me, I don’t have any guilt over it.

I know of people who’ve had natural births. I know people who’ve had c-sections. Me, I had my daughter at a hospital with a pre-planed epidural. Why? Because I really didn’t know how I would go with the pain and really, given the size of my daughter (11 pound/5 kg), I’m kind of glad that I did.

I remember during one of my visits to antenatal and we were talking about pain relief and she asked me if I had any questions and I asked about the epidural. I had watched birthing shows (British birthing shows at that) where they showed the epidural being administered and I wasn’t too sure about it, but I decided that that was what I wanted.

I think about it now and I realize that I did the right thing. I read the stories about home births and hospital births and people feeling bad because they didn’t do it this way or that way. To me, there is no right or wrong way. You are giving birth to a little human who thinks you are the best person in the world. You are giving life. Does it make a difference how it gets here? I don’t know…..

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My daughter rock hopping over East Devonport,  August 2018

 

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