Overcoming the Fear of Miscarriage

If you have experienced a miscarriage, how has it affected your subsequent pregnancies or desire to conceive again?

This is the question posed to us on a website I found on Pinterest (I will link it down below…) and it is one that I am currently thinking about right now.

This year (currently) I have suffered 2 miscarriages. Within the space of 8 months in fact. The first one wad heartbreaking as I have a daughter already (going on 3 next year) so I knew that I could conceive and carry full term so to find out that I had miscarried was nothing short of heartbreaking. I didn’t think that I would ever go through it and thought that it was just something that I would hear about. No. It happened.

The second time was worse because my body did actually show signs of miscarrying which I actually found worse. The first time round, I really didn’t show any signs whatsoever of miscarriage and it wasn’t until we had ultrasounds that it showed our fear.
As I said, however, the second time, I did show signs and it sucked. It made it worse when it was confirmed at the ultrasound.

In regards to how it has affected my desire to conceive again, well, just read my previous post Secret news on the downlow… and you’ll see how I feel about it but I found this second time, I was really wanting to try again. I did also want to be in a bit better shape before it happened again. But sometimes life throws things at you and you just got to do your best.
I did find though that when I was waiting for my period to start after my previous miscarriage that I was looking at baby’s and just wishing that that was me. Wishing that my baby’s were with me. I wanted to cry because of what happened but it was also giving me incentive to do better and to get better so that I could one day carry a child.

I will let you know how things go on.

Here is the link to the page where I got this question from:

It really is scary to consider having another pregnancy after miscarriage. Miscarrying is horrible, but I loved the hope in this post. I can overcome my fear and accept what comes.
Overcoming the Fear of Pregnancy After Miscarriage

Secret news on the downlow…

Well, this has come as a surprise… I’m pregnant again..

This is my third pregnancy this year as my previous two have ended in miscarriage so I’m hoping that third time is a charm.

I honestly don’t know how to feel at this point because I had it in my mind that I wasn’t going to fall pregnant till the new year (not all that far away I know) and I also knew that my partner didn’t want anymore as he was pretty heartbroken about the miscarriages. More then I thought he would be anyway.

So let me tell you about this pregnancy so far.

November 20th I decided to take a test. The reason….my period hadn’t come yet after my previous miscarriage and it had been 7 weeks. I had had all the symptoms of it returning and….nothing.
So after my partner left for work I decided to take a test.
Yes+
What do I do? I don’t know. I was so confused. I wasn’t sure how my partner would react and I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn’t. I could already feel the judgement.
So I went and made a doctors appointment for December 3rd (this coming Monday, I will let you know how it goes), and carried on about my business, trying subtly to change any bad habits that would put my pregnancy in danger.

Then this past Monday, 26th of November, I finally told my partner. He had patted my stomach and had told my daughter to pat it as well and I said no don’t. He asked why and I told him and OH MY GOD! What a terrible reaction! He was all like “Abort it! If you don’t then I’ll leave and our daughter will be daddy-less and you won’t ever get money off of me!”
So I backed off and let him be to which he stopped talking to me. Anytime he did it was all about abortion and hurry it up and what not.
I couldn’t believe that he would do that to me and I felt so alone. I knew he didn’t want to go through the whole miscarriage thing again. It’s bloody devastating. But he also, I’m pretty sure, knew that I hadn’t started my pill and so when he brought that up I told him I had thought that I didn’t have to take that till my period returned.

So, right now, I’m not sure where he stands. I have a doctors appointment Monday so I hope he will come to it and not push the abortion thing at me again. Every time I think about it I want to cry. I have never done it but I know myself that I would regret it for the rest of my life.

In terms of me personally, I have had the symptoms and when I have taken tests they are all pretty positive. I have had morning sickness/nausea, sore boobs, I’ve been a bit dizzy and I’ve been tired and get really tired really easily.
So I’ll keep you guys posted about what happens from here on out…

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A Yes+ and a Pregnant 1-2 Weeks….Taken 21st November, 2018. Third times a charm hopefully…

Statistically…

I’ve just been reading an article on the Huggies website about getting pregnant after miscarriage and came across something that I found rather interesting.

Once the heartbeat shows on ultrasound, the chance of miscarriage is believed to just 10%. Once your doctor can hear the heartbeat with a Doppler, usually at around 11 – 12 weeks, the chances of miscarriage reduce to around 5%

Now, back in one of my previous posts, Not the news I wanted…, I talked about the fact that my partner and I lost our second pregnancy this year. Our baby passed at 7 weeks, 4 days.
The reason this quote got to me a little bit was that 2 days prior to losing our baby, we had gone for an ultrasound and baby was happy and healthy and had a great heartbeat. That was dated as 7 weeks, 2 days.

That was our second miscarriage this year and we are trying not to have it happen again. It shook us both the first time we miscarried and then the second time was horrendous. It makes me wonder what my body is trying to tell me.

I hate being part of a percentage.

I wanted answers but none were given other then sometimes it just happens.

For Christmas this year, I have asked my family for a Biomedix session/Complete Health Analysis at the Purple House, Tasmania.

A Biomedx/Complete Health analysis will do just that! It includes around 26 chemical tests on your urine (which is filtered blood) and saliva (which reflects your lymph system). It includes checking your resting and standing blood pressures, your blood sugar levels and many other clinical tests.

I have wanted to have one of these sessions for a while but the cost is too much for me so I thought, with Christmas round the corner, that I could see about getting this instead.

When I get it done (hopefully…) I will let you guys know.

Until then, I will continue trying to improve my health one step at a time…

 

The article from the Huggies website that I was looking at can be found here: Getting Pregnant After Miscarriage

Purple House Biomedx/Complete Health Analysis site can be found here: Biomedx/Complete Health Analysis

This week…

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This past week has been nothing short of s*** and a blur. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. And I feel out of sorts. For those wondering, please read back to my previous post Not the news I wanted… and that pretty much explains it.

I have been trying to push my feelings to the way side as I can see my partner is hurting. I also push them to the side as we have a daughter who needs her parents and housework that needs to be done.

This past Friday, I needed some time. I needed some me time.
So, as my partner had gone into his recluse stage and I wanted to get out, I asked my family to look after my daughter for a little while so I could be me.
I needed it. I sat around in this chair for an hour or two and I wrote. I wrote whatever came to mind. I wrote down what I needed to get off my chest.
I watched platypus swimming. I watched the ducks swim around. I listened to the wind in the trees. I soaked up the sun. I took some ‘me’ time and tried to wrap my head around life and why things happen the way that they do.
In a certain way I prayed. I prayed for life to show me what needs to be done. I prayed for an answer as to why things that have happened, have happened.

I know I can’t take back what has happened and I do wish things were different. I wish that I knew why these things have happened but I don’t think that I will ever find that out.
But I can try.

And by taking some me time, I realized that while I don’t know why things have happened, I can change certain things to make them more beneficial in the long run. I know things take time so when I get the all clear, I will start with little steps and try and rebuild.

Will things go back to the way that they were? Probably not……but I can take steps to try and make sure that they don’t happen again.

Not the news I wanted…

Well, unfortunately Monday was a bad day.

In fact it was a really bad day.

As I mentioned in my post Nervous wait… I had an ultrasound booked as I had been bleeding for a week with no real reason.

Well, that reason was made apparent at the ultrasound.

I have lost our baby again….

This, for those who don’t know, is my partner and I’s second miscarriage within the space of seven months, so it makes me upset even more that this has happened.

Only good news to come from this is it looks like I will do it at home this time instead of having to go to the hospital.

That’s the only good news.

Work has been great about it. We went in and saw them yesterday and they were very understanding. It just does make it hard because everyone knew how excited we were.
I had been struggling though with fatigue and how much I could do but I was willing to give it my all and I feel like I did.

I’m not overly sure of how I’m feeling. I suppose at the moment I am in shock that it has happened again. I have seen the doctor and she advised us to wait until a few months down the line before we even think about trying again.
I did ask for ‘the pill’ as a precaution because as much as I want another child, I think it’s in my best interest to get myself as stable as possible before I even think about bringing in someone else to this world.
I want to get a new car, I want to be financially stable, I want to be in the best shape possible before I even think about this new life and I think my partner and I really need to be on the same page about family before we do it.

I do wonder about why my body has done this and I do wonder about maybe getting some outside information about why my body can’t seem to conceive when we know that I can….The doctor did say if it happened again that they would do testing but I’m hoping that there won’t be a next time.
Hopefully next time we conceive, we carry baby full term.

But I miss this whole being pregnant thing. I should be pregnant right now and my body’s just making it hard.

I don’t know what to do….

RIP My little buddy xoxox

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Nervous wait…

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Right now, I am a nervous wreck!

I have an ultrasound at 3:50pm today as I have had some bleeding going on for the last week and it’s to check that I have either been miscarrying or something has hit stuff that it wasn’t supposed to.. (read back the posts Hospital visits are not fun to Is it really all that common? to see what I am going on about…) but I am scared as anything.

I am trying to stay positive.

My mum is coming with me for support as my partner is at work and I know he is scared as well. This is the longest wait.

I know what it’s like to miscarry and so this is doing my head in.

Today I feel better which is making me more worried.

I’ll let you guys know how it all goes.

Wish me luck xoxox

Is it really all that common?

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*Disclaimer: This post contains quite graphic scenarios. If squirmish, stop reading now!*

On Monday 24th September, I posted about the fact that I had been spotting/bleeding after my Ultrasound the week before. Well, this week it has gotten worse.

It has gone from spotting then a small bleed to now being like a period and now, to top it all off, I now have clotting going on as well. Today has been the heaviest bleeding I’ve had. But also, very little pain. But quite some clotting.

I went to the doctors yesterday, as I started clotting yesterday, and she basically said that there was nothing she could do and that I really need to wait till Monday till my ultrasound to see what is going on.
She did do a urine pregnancy test there and then and even before it had reached the end, it was coming up a clear positive so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. She seemed OK with that which I suppose is helpful.

I just wish this would stop.

It’s worrying me and even though I’m supposed to be ‘taking it easy’ (medical professionals have been telling me all week to do it) I still have my daughter (2.5 years old) running around and needing looking after and I also have housework that needs my attention.

Has anyone else had this?
I’ve been told it’s quite common so I’m hoping for the best but it’s scaring me quite frankly.

Let me know if this has happened to you and your outcomes. I really want to know how common this is….

Hospital visits are not fun

And I’ve had two over the weekend.

As my last post says, my partner and I are having baby #2, due May next year. I am so excited.
After my miscarriage earlier this year, this has come both as a huge shock and also a quite pleasant surprise.
In saying that though, I have been a bit panicky.

*This may get a bit “Too Much Information” so if you don’t like it, I’m very sorry…*

It all started on Friday. I had been out during the day (I cant remember what doing…) and come home. I went to the bathroom and noticed there was brown on the paper. I went to ring the doctor and they were shut (they had closed at 5 and it was 5:05……) so I googled it, (don’t judge, I didn’t know what to do.). As I read, it became apparent that it was OK and not to stress. So I tried not to.
7pm rocked around and I was about to give my daughter a bath and I went again and this time it was bright red. I googled again and it said basically to go to hospital. I rang my partner at work and asked him to come home. Which he did. I also rang my mum to come and take me to hospital, (my partner can’t drive and my daughter needed someone home with her.)

So we got there and waited. And waited. Then I got called in and they had to take some blood.
This I got a little annoyed at but went OK because I had had a blood test the day before and been stabbed 4 times before they got any blood out. So I let them do that and then waited some more.

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What I had in my hand after they took my blood….. 😦

So when the doctor finally got to me, he said I was totally fine. No miscarriage as far as he could tell. So I was sent home.

The next day, bout 7pm, it happened again.

I rang the hospital and the put me through to doctors after hours who told me to go back to emergency. So I rang my mum again and asked her to drive me through to the other hospital 40 minutes away.
And again we waited. And waited. And waited.
We were there for nearly 5 hours (they were busy…) and in the end I was given a needle and told I could go home. Seriously!

So the last two days, I have been trying my best to relax and take it easy. Which isn’t easy being I have a 2.5 year old who is going through the terrible twos. But, as of right now, she’s napping so I’m taking the time to relax before work.
I’m back at my doctors tomorrow so I will let her know as well what’s been going on and we shall see what happens.
I’m just trying to relax…. that’s all I want to do……

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An information paper I found while waiting at #2 hospital. Quite a handy read at the time.

I have an announcement…

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No explanation needed 🙂

Articles I’ve read…

I was reading an article yesterday about a lady who felt bad because she had an epidural when she gave birth.

She wanted as close to a natural birth as possible and so when complications came her way, she was advised to have an epidural.

Now she feels guilty about it.

Me, I don’t have any guilt over it.

I know of people who’ve had natural births. I know people who’ve had c-sections. Me, I had my daughter at a hospital with a pre-planed epidural. Why? Because I really didn’t know how I would go with the pain and really, given the size of my daughter (11 pound/5 kg), I’m kind of glad that I did.

I remember during one of my visits to antenatal and we were talking about pain relief and she asked me if I had any questions and I asked about the epidural. I had watched birthing shows (British birthing shows at that) where they showed the epidural being administered and I wasn’t too sure about it, but I decided that that was what I wanted.

I think about it now and I realize that I did the right thing. I read the stories about home births and hospital births and people feeling bad because they didn’t do it this way or that way. To me, there is no right or wrong way. You are giving birth to a little human who thinks you are the best person in the world. You are giving life. Does it make a difference how it gets here? I don’t know…..

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My daughter rock hopping over East Devonport,  August 2018

 

Tea Room Chatter….

I was sitting in the tea room at work on Monday. For my break. I was sitting there with the team minding my own business and then these two ladies started talking about pregnancy, miscarriages and abortions.

Now, I had been a little upset recently (as I explained in my previous post) about my miscarriage and subsequent events that followed.

So sitting there listening to this conversation was really quite difficult. I was really struggling to keep it together and I did feel at one point about getting up and walking out. But I didn’t. Instead I sat there and tried as hard as I could not to listen. It was hard and something that I know I need to deal with but I really did think that I was over it. I really did think that I had moved on from it.

Obviously not.

And when I went back to work, I was down an aisle by myself and so my mind went into thinking mode which made me want to cry even more.

I thought about asking to go home. But I didn’t.

Because I know that I have some ways to go.

I know that I need to deal with this head on and face my fears of people talking about it. Some days it really is just hard…..

Sitting here….

IMG_1488(Edited)Currently sitting in my bed listening to music, (Here to Show the World-Dolph Ziggler [WWE]) and I was trying to nap. I got crabby yesterday because I didn’t get a nap and today I have the opportunity to have one and I can’t. I can’t nap. So wrestling music in my headphones going, my diffuser is going and I just can’t get my mind working right.

I actually can’t nap today because as much as I try, I can’t get my miscarriage out of my mind. It’s been on my mind now for a little while and it’s really upsetting. I keep remembering details like they happened yesterday.

I remember going to the ultrasound and finding out. I remember going to see the gynecologist and him telling me I had 2 options to miscarry as my body wasn’t doing it. Tablets or D&C. I chose the latter.

I remember going into hospital and having it done. I remember waking up disorientated and all I wanted at that moment was my partner and daughter. I remember my stay overnight at the hospital. How out of it I felt. How I wished I didn’t have to be there. How I wished for my baby back.

I remember having the conversations with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. The anesthetists talking to me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to move on.

And I thought I had. I thought, at 9 weeks post surgery, that I was past it. But I wasn’t.

A few weeks ago it all came crashing back to me. It hit me. HARD. And all because my body decided it was going to try and go back to normal.
That week was horrible. I was arguing with the people closest to me. Having disagreements about choices in my life. Then putting up the facade that I was OK. And I wasn’t. I was going to bed most nights upset and ready to cry. I would look at my daughter and wish that she was going to be a big sister.  And I didn’t tell anyone. I still am upset at what happened and trying to move on.

I know I can’t change what happened. My body did the best it could. I just wish things were different.