And I’ve had two over the weekend.
As my last post says, my partner and I are having baby #2, due May next year. I am so excited.
After my miscarriage earlier this year, this has come both as a huge shock and also a quite pleasant surprise.
In saying that though, I have been a bit panicky.
*This may get a bit “Too Much Information” so if you don’t like it, I’m very sorry…*
It all started on Friday. I had been out during the day (I cant remember what doing…) and come home. I went to the bathroom and noticed there was brown on the paper. I went to ring the doctor and they were shut (they had closed at 5 and it was 5:05……) so I googled it, (don’t judge, I didn’t know what to do.). As I read, it became apparent that it was OK and not to stress. So I tried not to.
7pm rocked around and I was about to give my daughter a bath and I went again and this time it was bright red. I googled again and it said basically to go to hospital. I rang my partner at work and asked him to come home. Which he did. I also rang my mum to come and take me to hospital, (my partner can’t drive and my daughter needed someone home with her.)
So we got there and waited. And waited. Then I got called in and they had to take some blood.
This I got a little annoyed at but went OK because I had had a blood test the day before and been stabbed 4 times before they got any blood out. So I let them do that and then waited some more.
So when the doctor finally got to me, he said I was totally fine. No miscarriage as far as he could tell. So I was sent home.
The next day, bout 7pm, it happened again.
I rang the hospital and the put me through to doctors after hours who told me to go back to emergency. So I rang my mum again and asked her to drive me through to the other hospital 40 minutes away.
And again we waited. And waited. And waited.
We were there for nearly 5 hours (they were busy…) and in the end I was given a needle and told I could go home. Seriously!
So the last two days, I have been trying my best to relax and take it easy. Which isn’t easy being I have a 2.5 year old who is going through the terrible twos. But, as of right now, she’s napping so I’m taking the time to relax before work.
I’m back at my doctors tomorrow so I will let her know as well what’s been going on and we shall see what happens.
I’m just trying to relax…. that’s all I want to do……
No explanation needed 🙂
I was reading an article yesterday about a lady who felt bad because she had an epidural when she gave birth.
She wanted as close to a natural birth as possible and so when complications came her way, she was advised to have an epidural.
Now she feels guilty about it.
Me, I don’t have any guilt over it.
I know of people who’ve had natural births. I know people who’ve had c-sections. Me, I had my daughter at a hospital with a pre-planed epidural. Why? Because I really didn’t know how I would go with the pain and really, given the size of my daughter (11 pound/5 kg), I’m kind of glad that I did.
I remember during one of my visits to antenatal and we were talking about pain relief and she asked me if I had any questions and I asked about the epidural. I had watched birthing shows (British birthing shows at that) where they showed the epidural being administered and I wasn’t too sure about it, but I decided that that was what I wanted.
I think about it now and I realize that I did the right thing. I read the stories about home births and hospital births and people feeling bad because they didn’t do it this way or that way. To me, there is no right or wrong way. You are giving birth to a little human who thinks you are the best person in the world. You are giving life. Does it make a difference how it gets here? I don’t know…..
I was sitting in the tea room at work on Monday. For my break. I was sitting there with the team minding my own business and then these two ladies started talking about pregnancy, miscarriages and abortions.
Now, I had been a little upset recently (as I explained in my previous post) about my miscarriage and subsequent events that followed.
So sitting there listening to this conversation was really quite difficult. I was really struggling to keep it together and I did feel at one point about getting up and walking out. But I didn’t. Instead I sat there and tried as hard as I could not to listen. It was hard and something that I know I need to deal with but I really did think that I was over it. I really did think that I had moved on from it.
And when I went back to work, I was down an aisle by myself and so my mind went into thinking mode which made me want to cry even more.
I thought about asking to go home. But I didn’t.
Because I know that I have some ways to go.
I know that I need to deal with this head on and face my fears of people talking about it. Some days it really is just hard…..
Currently sitting in my bed listening to music, (Here to Show the World-Dolph Ziggler [WWE]) and I was trying to nap. I got crabby yesterday because I didn’t get a nap and today I have the opportunity to have one and I can’t. I can’t nap. So wrestling music in my headphones going, my diffuser is going and I just can’t get my mind working right.
I actually can’t nap today because as much as I try, I can’t get my miscarriage out of my mind. It’s been on my mind now for a little while and it’s really upsetting. I keep remembering details like they happened yesterday.
I remember going to the ultrasound and finding out. I remember going to see the gynecologist and him telling me I had 2 options to miscarry as my body wasn’t doing it. Tablets or D&C. I chose the latter.
I remember going into hospital and having it done. I remember waking up disorientated and all I wanted at that moment was my partner and daughter. I remember my stay overnight at the hospital. How out of it I felt. How I wished I didn’t have to be there. How I wished for my baby back.
I remember having the conversations with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. The anesthetists talking to me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to move on.
And I thought I had. I thought, at 9 weeks post surgery, that I was past it. But I wasn’t.
A few weeks ago it all came crashing back to me. It hit me. HARD. And all because my body decided it was going to try and go back to normal.
That week was horrible. I was arguing with the people closest to me. Having disagreements about choices in my life. Then putting up the facade that I was OK. And I wasn’t. I was going to bed most nights upset and ready to cry. I would look at my daughter and wish that she was going to be a big sister. And I didn’t tell anyone. I still am upset at what happened and trying to move on.
I know I can’t change what happened. My body did the best it could. I just wish things were different.
Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Things have been a little bit on top of me lately.
Emotionally I’m spent. There have been some issues personally that I have been dealing with and I am getting there, slowly but surely. These have been taking their toll on my health and that has been down in the dumps as well.
At the same time, my physical health has also hit a bump in the road as well. I have started to gain back the weight that I lost and this has had me upset at both myself and my body but after today, I am back in the game.
I had an appointment with Dave (the dude who I’ve been seeing as part of my Splash Membership…….he’s one of the best PT’s in the country!), today and I have progressed and he made me feel much better today so I’m going to hit back at naysayers and I am going to start making time for it. I haven’t really done this week but I feel so tired and just bleugh! if I don’t go so I want to get back to it. I was doing so well then this week just went “no!”
I have also decided on a new venture which I want to try so I will post about that later but since I need to get in touch with them first to make a slight change but we shall get there.
Anyway, just thought I’d update you all since I have some free time (daughters napping and so is my partner….), so “HI EVERYBODY!”
Well, we are officially half way through training!!!!!
As I have said previously on this blog, I’ve signed up again.., I have entered the Cancer Council’s ‘Women’s 5km Walk/Run 2018′ event this year. I did it last year and I loved it so much that I thought I would do it again.
I have used this event as the goal I needed to get fit and in shape and today marks half way through that goal.
Well, I can say officially that while I haven’t lost that much weight, I have lost a remarkable amount of Cm’s which I didn’t think was possible.
My last post (On my way….) was 5 weeks into it and I had lost 3.4kg and lost 24.9cm off my entire body… And today…..
|This week||8 weeks total|
|Weight||Same as last week (84.3kg)||-3.5kg|
So, total wise for half way/8 weeks is I have lost 3.5kg and 28.6cm TOTAL OFF MY BODY!
That makes me so happy and just proves to me that I am heading in the right direction. The weight loss kind of goes up and down but I expect that but the other thing is is my attitude has changed. Because I write my results down each week, it’s keeping me accountable. I love seeing the results and seeing it going down like that is amazing to me.
I also have developed a love for the gym. I honestly have done. I hate not going and get really crabby and out of sorts if I don’t go. I have set myself this ideal situation where if I can get there every second day I’ll be laughing….. getting there is an issue but when I do go I notice that I am a much more patient person, happier and less cranky which I think is great for the people around me.
So, more gym for me and more training needed. I am serious about getting better and doing better at the race so need to step up my training I think 🙂 Wish me luck.
If you would like to donate, here is my page…. Lil’s Race
Well, I did my weekly weigh in this morning and man, am I stoked! It may only be a small but I feel so proud.
I lost 1.2kg and 3.8cm off my body this week! I was hoping for this kind of loss this week so I’m so glad that we are going in the right direction…
But, what really got me was when I did a month overview (technically it was 5 weeks but close enough I think….), and it showed that over that 5 week period starting 20th May this year, I have lost 3.4kg and….wait for it…..24.9cm off my body!
I don’t know where from so I think from now on I may need to do progress shots but I’m so proud of myself. That is the kind of numbers that I want to see happening and seeing them, shows me that what I’m doing is the right thing.
Now, to get my a** to the gym and really work it out and keep doing my health eating (Thank you Healthy Mummy!!!!)
That’s made my day…… xoxo
(If you want to check out Healthy Mummy, here’s the link you can click to see it…https://secure.healthymummy.com/shop/?lbwref=1900)
Today I have decided that I need to make a timetable of my days for a two week period.
The reason being is that I have been to the gym ONCE this week on my own and when I asked my partner this morning if he could watch our daughter while I went he said that there wasn’t enough time between me going/coming home from the gym, HIM HAVING A NAP, and then him heading off to work. This infuriated me as I have been planning on going to the gym today and so to not go is annoying as anything.
So, I have found a timetable which I loved (Timetable Design here) and roughly worked out what my days consisted of and how I could work around it. So, I did one in pencil, then printed out another one and did it in texta and put certain colors for certain activities. I have even labeled the colors off to the sides so we can see what activity is when.
Now, I feel more organized and since I have had a phone saying that my daughters swimming tomorrow has been cancelled, guess what I’ll be doing???? I can’t wait to be more organized.
Wish me luck….
Well, I’m excited! My first ever personal training session is done and dusted.
Today it was only half hour and that was just showing me the correct way to do the exercises and the weights and heights of stuff and so on but I loved it all the same.
Basically, earlier this week (Tuesday) I went in and saw a lady who spoke to me about what would happen. We talked about all my issues (a lot of them…) and how we could work through them without injuring me further.
We spoke about my job and how my physical being wasn’t keeping up with the expectations I have of it and how it’s affecting my job majorly.
We talked about my miscarriage and how it may have affected my body and my mental health.
We spoke about roughly what would happen this week between her and the trainer in regards to working out a program specially designed for me. Which I like the idea of because when I look into a gym, I have no idea about what to do and where to start so this was nice to hear.
Then today I went in and the dude was great. He looked at my file and said that I have ‘a lot of issues’ (which is true when I sat down and thought about it…..), so we have a lot of work to do. But, he walked me through and helped work out the exercises so that I could do them and I have a rough understanding of how they work and what order to do them in and how to do them properly.
And honestly, I loved it. I want to do this. For me. For my health. For my mental health. Just for me.
I did get a bit stumped when he said that for this to really work and get results that I would need to come at least 3 times a week which I was thinking “How can I do that?” but then I got to the car and I thought, I’ll make it work. I’ll have to schedule time to do it in but I am confident in getting it done. I honestly want this to help me. And now, having someone guide me in the right direction feels better. I feel more confident now then just going in there and being like “Where do I start?”
I like where this is going and I cannot wait to move forward on this journey…. and tell you guys all about the process while I’m on it….
Just natures way of reminding me to be a beautiful star
I’ve made a decision.
I’m going to take some time and concentrate on me.
I’ve decided that physically I need to fix myself.
So last Thursday I joined a gym. No big deal to some but to me, it was something that I really needed to think about. I’ve joined a gym before but that was because my friend went there and so I thought I would too. It wasn’t for me though.
This time it it.
I returned to work a couple of weeks ago and while I may only work 3 days a week, there really are quite challenging. I stack shelves at a supermarket and it is quite physically demanding and I’ve found that since returning, my body just isn’t the same. I can only lift lighter objects and pulling and twisting is just too painful at the moment.
So, I have some goals that I want to achieve (as I have talked about in Getting my fitness ideas on.. ).
I’m not just gym-ing either. I’m back onto my Healthy Mummy shakes as well. Healthy eating and drinking better (more water, less fizzy/cordial) and making better overall choices.
With these physical changes, I’ve found that I need to work on me mental health as well. It has taken a battering these last few months so I want to concentrate on getting that back on track as well.
One starting point is that I have enrolled my daughter into childcare one day a week so that she can work on her social and language development and I get some ‘me’ time This has been a cause for debate between my partner and I. Personally, I believe that she will benefit from it greatly. As for me, it will be my time to do me. Do the things I want/ need to do. Housework, go out and get my eyebrows done etc.
Last week, I took the time to go to the Tasmanian Arboretum and I loved it. I was able to focus on my photography (a hobby of mine since before I got with my partner), and I felt so much better afterwards. I felt so much more relaxed, more so then I have for a long time.
I’ve also decided that to turn off all my electronics for most of the day as I found that when I was using them and being distracted by my daughter, for example, I was getting angry, and that was something that I didn’t want.
So, I’m making more ‘down time’ where electronics are off/left alone and I do something else, like I go outside for an hour or so, write a blog post with pen and paper. Just something else.
It’s also best for my daughter as well.
Because that’s what she deserves.
The best of me.
So that’s the plan.
Hopefully, all goes well, things will start looking up. For me. For my daughter. For everyone