Last night I decided that I would do something. Once my daughter was in bed, asleep, I decided that I would write. I continued writing something that I started back in 2013 (besides this blog).
In 2013, a few months after my Nan passed away, I started writing about the events that transpired between 20th March, 2012, till the present day.
I hadn’t written in that book for 4 years.
My daughter, inquisitive little thing that she is, had pulled out a couple of blank pages from that little book and so when I saw them I remembered that I had started to write in there and that I should quite possibly finish it.
So when she finally went to sleep last night, I got a pen, got ready for bed and started to write. I wrote about the current day as that was fresh in my mind. Then I went back to the day that she passed. That brought back so many memories. Most of which, to me, are very raw still and very sad. It was hard remembering alot of detail but I remember most of it. Her cancer diagnosis and subsequent events shook me to my core and so most of it stands out.
So I wrote a about the day that she passed. That part was hard. I was one of the few people with her when she actually passed and even now, it still hurts thinking about it. The pain, the loss, is still there but writing it down does seem to make it that little bit easier. I feel like I can express alot of feeling through writing and so having that outlet does make me feel a little better.
I did find that when I was writing down about how I was going in the present day that I wrote how it doesn’t get easier, life just adjusts itself, and it’s true. It doesn’t get easier to be without someone of great meaning in your life, your life just adjusts so that you do continue on doing things without that aspect or person there anymore. I still find, even to this day, myself thinking that I see her and I want to run up and give her a cuddle, then I get brought back to reality when I remember that she’s no longer with us.
It’s hard revisiting those memories, but I would rather, while I still can, preserve those memories rather then forget because they have somewhat shaped me into the person that I am today. I love my Nan and always will and I hope that I can instill some of the knowledge that she gave me into my daughter as she grows up. Hopefully.