Well, the last few weeks have been tough. Really tough. We lost our baby at at the 7 week mark of our pregnancy.
Back in the last week of April, on a Friday, my partner and I went to our third ultrasound. At the time we estimated that we were about 7 weeks along. When we got to the ultrasound, the man doing it didn’t seem to be telling us much. When he did, he said it didn’t look promising and that he would get someone else in to check. When he did, they seemed to confirm,without saying it, that our baby was gone. He said that the baby hadn’t grown since the last ultrasound and that he couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was devastated. My partner didn’t show it at the time but was trying to comfort me. We went to our workplace and asked for time off as we were both pretty shaken. The next week was a bit of a blur as I was trying to avoid what was going on. I didn’t want it to be true. I had wanted this baby for over a year and to have it lost was just unbelievable. It’s something that I didn’t understand and that I didn’t think would happen to me.
So, I spent the weeks waiting to hear back from doctors and gynecologist to see what was going on. When I did eventually get to see the Gyno, he said that my body had basically been miscarrying for four weeks and that he thought it was time for medical intervention. I, being me, had been reading (Google-ing) what happened at these appointments and what my options were. I read all the forums I could, all the information that I could find about what was going on because I didn’t have anyone telling me anything. So when the Gyno said that I could have either one of two options, I chose the D&C. So he said that I could have it done the next day but when I rang, they said that no I wouldn’t. Man was I annoyed! I had spent all night stressing and to have that news come at me was so frustrating. So they said that would ring when they had an appointment for me.
The hospital rang the next day with an appointment. At BURNIE!
So I had my D&C on Monday this week and man, have I been thrown for 6. I went in at 2:05pm (I had been told to be there at 11am but had to wait as I was second on the list) and I woke up at 4:15pm.
I was made aware by the surgeon that I had lost a lot of blood when I was under (1 litre of blood in theater which is unusual) so I had to stay overnight which I wasn’t prepared for. It was emotional to say the least as I have never had a night away from my daughter (2 year old) and all I wanted to do was get home to both my partner and her. I missed them terribly.
So the next day I got home and it was so lovely to be home but I was so tired and 2 days after my D&C I’m still a bit woozy in the head and I can’t lift my daughter which is frustrating.
But the worst thing I have is that I saw someones birth announcement and originally I was super happy for them and then I started cramping and it reminded me of what I’m missing. It brought me back down to earth about what has happened.
So, to end this blog, if you haven’t seen me around lately, that’s why. I’ve been trying in a way to avoid seeing people as I haven’t really known what to say. I miss my little Finn (I was convinced that it was going to be a boy and that’s what I wanted to call him) and I wish that things were different but sometimes, life throws a curveball and I hope that one day, I can have what I missed this time round.
RIP My little angel baby, Finn