Currently sitting in my bed listening to music, (Here to Show the World-Dolph Ziggler [WWE]) and I was trying to nap. I got crabby yesterday because I didn’t get a nap and today I have the opportunity to have one and I can’t. I can’t nap. So wrestling music in my headphones going, my diffuser is going and I just can’t get my mind working right.
I actually can’t nap today because as much as I try, I can’t get my miscarriage out of my mind. It’s been on my mind now for a little while and it’s really upsetting. I keep remembering details like they happened yesterday.
I remember going to the ultrasound and finding out. I remember going to see the gynecologist and him telling me I had 2 options to miscarry as my body wasn’t doing it. Tablets or D&C. I chose the latter.
I remember going into hospital and having it done. I remember waking up disorientated and all I wanted at that moment was my partner and daughter. I remember my stay overnight at the hospital. How out of it I felt. How I wished I didn’t have to be there. How I wished for my baby back.
I remember having the conversations with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. The anesthetists talking to me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to move on.
And I thought I had. I thought, at 9 weeks post surgery, that I was past it. But I wasn’t.
A few weeks ago it all came crashing back to me. It hit me. HARD. And all because my body decided it was going to try and go back to normal.
That week was horrible. I was arguing with the people closest to me. Having disagreements about choices in my life. Then putting up the facade that I was OK. And I wasn’t. I was going to bed most nights upset and ready to cry. I would look at my daughter and wish that she was going to be a big sister. And I didn’t tell anyone. I still am upset at what happened and trying to move on.
I know I can’t change what happened. My body did the best it could. I just wish things were different.