Monthly Archives: October 2018

This week…


This past week has been nothing short of s*** and a blur. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. And I feel out of sorts. For those wondering, please read back to my previous post Not the news I wanted… and that pretty much explains it.

I have been trying to push my feelings to the way side as I can see my partner is hurting. I also push them to the side as we have a daughter who needs her parents and housework that needs to be done.

This past Friday, I needed some time. I needed some me time.
So, as my partner had gone into his recluse stage and I wanted to get out, I asked my family to look after my daughter for a little while so I could be me.
I needed it. I sat around in this chair for an hour or two and I wrote. I wrote whatever came to mind. I wrote down what I needed to get off my chest.
I watched platypus swimming. I watched the ducks swim around. I listened to the wind in the trees. I soaked up the sun. I took some ‘me’ time and tried to wrap my head around life and why things happen the way that they do.
In a certain way I prayed. I prayed for life to show me what needs to be done. I prayed for an answer as to why things that have happened, have happened.

I know I can’t take back what has happened and I do wish things were different. I wish that I knew why these things have happened but I don’t think that I will ever find that out.
But I can try.

And by taking some me time, I realized that while I don’t know why things have happened, I can change certain things to make them more beneficial in the long run. I know things take time so when I get the all clear, I will start with little steps and try and rebuild.

Will things go back to the way that they were? Probably not……but I can take steps to try and make sure that they don’t happen again.


Not the news I wanted…

Well, unfortunately Monday was a bad day.

In fact it was a really bad day.

As I mentioned in my post Nervous wait… I had an ultrasound booked as I had been bleeding for a week with no real reason.

Well, that reason was made apparent at the ultrasound.

I have lost our baby again….

This, for those who don’t know, is my partner and I’s second miscarriage within the space of seven months, so it makes me upset even more that this has happened.

Only good news to come from this is it looks like I will do it at home this time instead of having to go to the hospital.

That’s the only good news.

Work has been great about it. We went in and saw them yesterday and they were very understanding. It just does make it hard because everyone knew how excited we were.
I had been struggling though with fatigue and how much I could do but I was willing to give it my all and I feel like I did.

I’m not overly sure of how I’m feeling. I suppose at the moment I am in shock that it has happened again. I have seen the doctor and she advised us to wait until a few months down the line before we even think about trying again.
I did ask for ‘the pill’ as a precaution because as much as I want another child, I think it’s in my best interest to get myself as stable as possible before I even think about bringing in someone else to this world.
I want to get a new car, I want to be financially stable, I want to be in the best shape possible before I even think about this new life and I think my partner and I really need to be on the same page about family before we do it.

I do wonder about why my body has done this and I do wonder about maybe getting some outside information about why my body can’t seem to conceive when we know that I can….The doctor did say if it happened again that they would do testing but I’m hoping that there won’t be a next time.
Hopefully next time we conceive, we carry baby full term.

But I miss this whole being pregnant thing. I should be pregnant right now and my body’s just making it hard.

I don’t know what to do….

RIP My little buddy xoxox



Nervous wait…


Right now, I am a nervous wreck!

I have an ultrasound at 3:50pm today as I have had some bleeding going on for the last week and it’s to check that I have either been miscarrying or something has hit stuff that it wasn’t supposed to.. (read back the posts Hospital visits are not fun to Is it really all that common? to see what I am going on about…) but I am scared as anything.

I am trying to stay positive.

My mum is coming with me for support as my partner is at work and I know he is scared as well. This is the longest wait.

I know what it’s like to miscarry and so this is doing my head in.

Today I feel better which is making me more worried.

I’ll let you guys know how it all goes.

Wish me luck xoxox