Tea Room Chatter….

I was sitting in the tea room at work on Monday. For my break. I was sitting there with the team minding my own business and then these two ladies started talking about pregnancy, miscarriages and abortions.

Now, I had been a little upset recently (as I explained in my previous post) about my miscarriage and subsequent events that followed.

So sitting there listening to this conversation was really quite difficult. I was really struggling to keep it together and I did feel at one point about getting up and walking out. But I didn’t. Instead I sat there and tried as hard as I could not to listen. It was hard and something that I know I need to deal with but I really did think that I was over it. I really did think that I had moved on from it.

Obviously not.

And when I went back to work, I was down an aisle by myself and so my mind went into thinking mode which made me want to cry even more.

I thought about asking to go home. But I didn’t.

Because I know that I have some ways to go.

I know that I need to deal with this head on and face my fears of people talking about it. Some days it really is just hard…..

Sitting here….

IMG_1488(Edited)Currently sitting in my bed listening to music, (Here to Show the World-Dolph Ziggler [WWE]) and I was trying to nap. I got crabby yesterday because I didn’t get a nap and today I have the opportunity to have one and I can’t. I can’t nap. So wrestling music in my headphones going, my diffuser is going and I just can’t get my mind working right.

I actually can’t nap today because as much as I try, I can’t get my miscarriage out of my mind. It’s been on my mind now for a little while and it’s really upsetting. I keep remembering details like they happened yesterday.

I remember going to the ultrasound and finding out. I remember going to see the gynecologist and him telling me I had 2 options to miscarry as my body wasn’t doing it. Tablets or D&C. I chose the latter.

I remember going into hospital and having it done. I remember waking up disorientated and all I wanted at that moment was my partner and daughter. I remember my stay overnight at the hospital. How out of it I felt. How I wished I didn’t have to be there. How I wished for my baby back.

I remember having the conversations with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. The anesthetists talking to me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to move on.

And I thought I had. I thought, at 9 weeks post surgery, that I was past it. But I wasn’t.

A few weeks ago it all came crashing back to me. It hit me. HARD. And all because my body decided it was going to try and go back to normal.
That week was horrible. I was arguing with the people closest to me. Having disagreements about choices in my life. Then putting up the facade that I was OK. And I wasn’t. I was going to bed most nights upset and ready to cry. I would look at my daughter and wish that she was going to be a big sister.  And I didn’t tell anyone. I still am upset at what happened and trying to move on.

I know I can’t change what happened. My body did the best it could. I just wish things were different.

Been M.I.A……

IMG_1324

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Things have been a little bit on top of me lately.

Emotionally I’m spent. There have been some issues personally that I have been dealing with and I am getting there, slowly but surely. These have been taking their toll on my health and that has been down in the dumps as well.
At the same time, my physical health has also hit a bump in the road as well. I have started to gain back the weight that I lost and this has had me upset at both myself and my body but after today, I am back in the game.
I had an appointment with Dave (the dude who I’ve been seeing as part of my Splash Membership…….he’s one of the best PT’s in the country!), today and I have progressed and he made me feel much better today so I’m going to hit back at naysayers and I am going to start making time for it. I haven’t really done this week but I feel so tired and just bleugh! if I don’t go so I want to get back to it. I was doing so well then this week just went “no!”
I have also decided on a new venture which I want to try so I will post about that later but since I need to get in touch with them first to make a slight change but we shall get there.

Anyway, just thought I’d update you all since I have some free time (daughters napping and so is my partner….), so “HI EVERYBODY!”

 

 

8 Weeks down, 8 to go..

IMG_1189

Well, we are officially half way through training!!!!!

As I have said previously on this blog,  I’ve signed up again.., I have entered the Cancer Council’s ‘Women’s 5km Walk/Run 2018′ event this year. I did it last year and I loved it so much that I thought I would do it again.

I have used this event as the goal I needed to get fit and in shape and today marks half way through that goal.

Well, I can say officially that while I haven’t lost that much weight, I have lost a remarkable amount of Cm’s which I didn’t think was possible.

My last post (On my way….) was 5 weeks into it and I had lost 3.4kg and lost 24.9cm off my entire body… And today…..

  This week 8 weeks total
Weight Same as last week (84.3kg) -3.5kg
Bust +2cm -2.5cm
Waist -3cm -12cm
Hips -3cm -7cm
Thighs -2.5cm -5.8cm
Arms -.5cm -1.3cm

So, total wise for half way/8 weeks is I have lost 3.5kg and 28.6cm TOTAL OFF MY BODY!

That makes me so happy and just proves to me that I am heading in the right direction. The weight loss kind of goes up and down but I expect that but the other thing is is my attitude has changed. Because I write my results down each week, it’s keeping me accountable. I love seeing the results and seeing it going down like that is amazing to me.
I also have developed a love for the gym. I honestly have done. I hate not going and get really crabby and out of sorts if I don’t go. I have set myself this ideal situation where if I can get there every second day I’ll be laughing….. getting there is an issue but when I do go I notice that I am a much more patient person, happier and less cranky which I think is great for the people around me.

So, more gym for me and more training needed. I am serious about getting better and doing better at the race so need to step up my training I think 🙂 Wish me luck.

If you would like to donate, here is my page…. Lil’s Race

 

On my way….

Well, I did my weekly weigh in this morning and man, am I stoked! It may only be a small but I feel so proud.
I lost 1.2kg and 3.8cm off my body this week! I was hoping for this kind of loss this week so I’m so glad that we are going in the right direction…
But, what really got me was when I did a month overview (technically it was 5 weeks but close enough I think….), and it showed that over that 5 week period starting 20th May this year, I have lost 3.4kg and….wait for it…..24.9cm off my body!
I don’t know where from so I think from now on I may need to do progress shots but I’m so proud of myself. That is the kind of numbers that I want to see happening and seeing them, shows me that what I’m doing is the right thing.

Now, to get my a** to the gym and really work it out and keep doing my health eating (Thank you Healthy Mummy!!!!)

That’s made my day…… xoxo

IMG_1168

(If you want to check out Healthy Mummy, here’s the link you can click to see it…https://secure.healthymummy.com/shop/?lbwref=1900)

Getting organized…

Today I have decided that I need to make a timetable of my days for a two week period.

The reason being is that I have been to the gym ONCE this week on my own and when I asked my partner this morning if he could watch our daughter while I went he said that there wasn’t enough time between me going/coming home from the gym, HIM HAVING A NAP, and then him heading off to work. This infuriated me as I have been planning on going to the gym today and so to not go is annoying as anything.
So, I have found a timetable which I loved (Timetable Design here) and roughly worked out what my days consisted of and how I could work around it. So, I did one in pencil, then printed out another one and did it in texta and put certain colors for certain activities. I have even labeled the colors off to the sides so we can see what activity is when.

Now, I feel more organized and since I have had a phone saying that my daughters swimming tomorrow has been cancelled, guess what I’ll be doing???? I can’t wait to be more organized.

Wish me luck….

IMG_1178(Edited)

My completed 2 week timetable. Even sleep has been thought of…..

First session completed..

IMG_1149

Well, I’m excited! My first ever personal training session is done and dusted.
Today it was only half hour and that was just showing me the correct way to do the exercises and the weights and heights of stuff and so on but I loved it all the same.

Basically, earlier this week (Tuesday) I went in and saw a lady who spoke to me about what would happen. We talked about all my issues (a lot of them…) and how we could work through them without injuring me further.
We spoke about my job and how my physical being wasn’t keeping up with the expectations I have of it and how it’s affecting my job majorly.
We talked about my miscarriage and how it may have affected my body and my mental health.
We spoke about roughly what would happen this week between her and the trainer in regards to working out a program specially designed for me. Which I like the idea of because when I look into a gym, I have no idea about what to do and where to start so this was nice to hear.

Then today I went in and the dude was great. He looked at my file and said that I have ‘a lot of issues’ (which is true when I sat down and thought about it…..), so we have a lot of work to do. But, he walked me through and helped work out the exercises so that I could do them and I have a rough understanding of how they work and what order to do them in and how to do them properly.
And honestly, I loved it. I want to do this. For me. For my health. For my mental health. Just for me.
I did get a bit stumped when he said that for this to really work and get results that I would need to come at least 3 times a week which I was thinking “How can I do that?” but then I got to the car and I thought, I’ll make it work. I’ll have to schedule time to do it in but I am confident in getting it done. I honestly want this to help me. And now, having someone guide me in the right direction feels better. I feel more confident now then just going in there and being like “Where do I start?”

I like where this is going and I cannot wait to move forward on this journey…. and tell you guys all about the process while I’m on it….

IMG_1147.jpg

Me repping #TeamHealthyMummy on my first ever gym session. Nervous face but excited at the same time.