Feeling weird….

Hi there everyone,

So the last week or so I have been feeling…..weird.
I feel like I shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions or anything but this body stuff is making me think this way….
I have been irritable, angry at the world for no reason.
I have been nauseous on and off all week.
I drank a Dare Mocha flavored drink yesterday and it made me feel sick.
I get a back ache every now and again.
I’m tired more now then I have been.
And this past week, I have been getting random blood noses that last all of two seconds.

I don’t think I’m pregnant because I never felt like this before but this is bugging me. I don’t want to take a test because I don’t want to waste money on it if it’s negative (has happened previously…..) so I don’t know. I just don’t know. This is freaking me out.

 

Too hot….

I know some people would be loving the heat but this is horrible. I can’t drive down the beach because there is road works happening in my street and it’s too hot to walk anywhere. So I decided that I don’t want to adult today. I have left uni work alone for the day. I have drunk 750ml of water. I’m watching my daughter pull the drawers of the entertainment unit out, and I’ve decided that I’ll watch Ellen, because that’s what’s on. What else to do…. blog of course…….

Oh well…. life……

Hope your all loving life today ❤️

Xoxo

Thinking….

Last night I decided that I would do something. Once my daughter was in bed, asleep, I decided that I would write. I continued writing something that I started back in 2013 (besides this blog).

In 2013, a few months after my Nan passed away, I started writing about the events that transpired between 20th March, 2012, till the present day.
I hadn’t written in that book for 4 years.
My daughter, inquisitive little thing that she is, had pulled out a couple of blank pages from that little book and so when I saw them I remembered that I had started to write in there and that I should quite possibly finish it.
So when she finally went to sleep last night, I got a pen, got ready for bed and started to write. I wrote about the current day as that was fresh in my mind. Then I went back to the day that she passed. That brought back so many memories. Most of which, to me, are very raw still and very sad. It was hard remembering alot of detail but I remember most of it. Her cancer diagnosis and subsequent events shook me to my core and so most of it stands out.
So I wrote a about the day that she passed. That part was hard. I was one of the few people with her when she actually passed and even now, it still hurts thinking about it. The pain, the loss, is still there but writing it down does seem to make it that little bit easier. I feel like I can express alot of feeling through writing and so having that outlet does make me feel a little better.
I did find that when I was writing down about how I was going in the present day that I wrote how it doesn’t get easier, life just adjusts itself, and it’s true. It doesn’t get easier to be without someone of great meaning in your life, your life just adjusts so that you do continue on doing things without that aspect or person there anymore. I still find, even to this day, myself thinking that I see her and I want to run up and give her a cuddle, then I get brought back to reality when I remember that she’s no longer with us.
It’s hard revisiting those memories, but I would rather, while I still can, preserve those memories rather then forget because they have somewhat shaped me into the person that I am today. I love my Nan and always will and I hope that I can instill some of the knowledge that she gave me into my daughter as she grows up. Hopefully.

xoxo

Out for a walk….

I went out for a walk today. I had dropped my grandfather off at the hearing clinic and decided that since my 13 month hadn’t had a nap I would take her out on such a beautiful day. And she fell asleep. So as I was walking along, I began to think of how lucky I am. Lucky that on a day like today, I don’t have far to go and there is beaches and water around me and beautiful walking tracks along the water where I could admire the beauty of it all. This never stops. On a day as gorgeous as today, why would you want to be inside all day when you could be out enjoying a walk? I would normally have been one of those people who would’ve been inside all day trying to get my daughter off to sleep. Lucky I didn’t. we had a great walk. We walked one way then we went back and walked back another way and then we went down the mall. Quite a walk. I forget when I’m inside quite how much I enjoy a walk until I actually go outside and walk. Normally I would also have my headphones but none of them today. I wish I had a piece of paper or my camera with me but my phone did the job just fine. Took some pictures but not quite in the high quality that I’m used to.

What a beautiful day and a wonderful walk. Loving life xoxox

I need your guys help…

Hi there everyone,

I need some help/advice. I don’t know what else to do. 

My partner and I are experiencing financial hardship. I’ve tried what I can but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to get any more loans as. Have a sneaky feeling that it has affected my credit score. I need help and don’t know what else to do. I work part time and don’t particularly want to do any more hours because of our daughter and I know that my partner, who works full time, is feeling the strain. I don’t know what else. Please help me out with suggestions…..

Lil xoxo

Socially, not for me

I was reading my cousins blog (link in my previous post) and just got thinking payout something. I work in a supermarket and I currently work at the checkout. Now, I have to engage with people and talk to people and I have always found this difficult. I’ve had to irk had at talking to people I don’t know and how to hold a conversation but have gotten better at it throughout the years. In comparison, I love reading other people’s blogs, Facebook statuses and twitter. I love reading autobiographies and I love watching reality tv. I don’t know what it is but I just love it. I suppose because I like the idea of reading other people’s thoughts because I don’t have to be direct. I’m not a social person by nature so when someone has a blog or a website and I feel like I get to know them through that medium rather then asking face to face.

Do you have this? I don’t know how common this thought is but I do feel like this often. The idea of talking to strangers does terrify me and I have worked very hard throughout my supermarket career to get better at it. I’m still not where I feel like others are but I am getting there.

Let me know your thoughts on this.

Lil xoxo

As I sit here…

As I sit here watching my daughter choke my partner out on the floor in their version of wrestling, it’s made me think of my life and where I want to be and what I want to do to get there. I have been reading my cousins blog (I will post the link at the end, worth reading….) and since reading it, it has me questioning things that I do in everyday life and decisions that I have made leading up to this point.

An example of this is she posted a post on Valentines day explaining about how it would be her first V-Day alone for near 20 years and how she is happy now to be single and it got me thinking about my life right now.
I remember Valentines day when I was single and I used to hate it. I love the idea of Valentines Day and having that one day that is specifically designed for love. I love love and I feel like I have alot of it to give. My current partner atm doesn’t believe in Valentines day and so doesn’t like to celebrate it. Which is unfortunate because, as I said, I do. Does cause a bit of tension but we soon get over that. Like we do most things.

My life at this point in time, is not really where I had “so called” planned it. I wanted to be married and with 2 kids by this point in my life. In fact they would of been 5/4 respectively. I thought that at 24 I would have been in a stable relationship and that would lead to marriage and kids and what not but it was not meant to be. But, I am happy with where my life is right now. I have an amazing daughter who I pour all my love into (as I say this I look over and she has pulled the antenna cord out for the 100th time today), and my partner and I are still in love nearly 4 years together. Yes, we have had our ups and downs many times over but we still love each other as much as the day we started dating. I would’ve said the day we met but that was at work and he was with his previous partner at the time so it was while before I got to be with him.
Funny how life is isn’t it?

I am going to studying this year via University. I haven’t been to Uni since 2007 so yeah, I’m a little daunted but I’m going to be doing a course which I hope will peak my interest alot more then what my previous one did, (I failed the semester the first time around because I didn’t attend class and I just wasn’t interested.) So I’m hoping to do better. It’s taken me this long to get here so I’m going to give it my all and hope for the best.

So while 2017 is off to a rather good start, I’m hoping I can continue to grow and hope that life can continue to grow upwards and outwards.

Have a lovely day.

Lil xoxo

 

Link to my cousins writing: https://medium.com/@beccafreo

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